This list could go up by a few hundred, but here’s a starter pack to get you going.

Parenting can be a breeze. Okay, let’s be honest… the kinda breeze that also sweeps up dirt, twigs, and stones in your face/hair… or a really rough tornado! You start off with good intentions, but ‘life’ wears you down. Happens to the best of us.  

Custom handbook, there is none. No one has this gig figured out – even those with a couple of children or more. So who am I to dish this out, you’re thinking? I’m the mum who has NOT remained calm on many occasions; most of them listed below. My mum always said – Learn from other people’s mistakes. You don’t have to make the same ones yourself.

I say, if they came labeled ‘mistake’, I’d know.

So here we are, a list of 10 times that, you dear parent, need to stay calm.

When your kids ask about what sex is. This one I stayed calm for. She was 5, and we were walking into church at the time. “Mum and Dad’s love,” I responded. She was content. This question should not faze, it’s actually what we wait for – a chance to dole out gyan. But resist the fear-response to shut down the question or tell that whole story.
Keep it short, age-appropriate, or biological. Update the answer as she/he grows.

When he hurts another child. Often the aim is NOT to kill each other, even if they’re siblings, so stay calm. Look for the intent. Is it attention-seeking? Is it a sharing problem? Is it self-defense? Is it repeated and stemming from something deep inside? Attend to the wound, not the symptom. And please, don’t react from a place of embarrassment.

When you find an unfinished lunch box.  Find another battle. This one isn’t worth it. Let. It. Go.

When they answer you back rudely. Intent, again. Ask yourself why this could be happening. This could be trying out a word/behaviour the child has witnessed. And he/she is just giving it a go. I would try out film dialogues as a child; thankfully my parents didn’t thrash me. Stay calm. Keep communication lines open. Don’t react. Evaluate!

When something spills. Little kids (and some BIG ones) have not developed certain muscles, let alone motor skills to use those muscles. Pressuring them to be as adept as a grown human is plain wrong. Talk about it, clean up together. This is a chance to teach (by showing) compassion. Don’t miss it.

When he disobeys you, and gets hurt. There’s nothing worse than smacking a wounded child, who’s also embarrassed. A child raised on this diet is incapable of empathy. React angrily, and you risk receiving the same treatment when YOU are old and unsteady. Ooooh.

When she asks you to read the same story again. And again. And again. Please do… she’ll learn to read at school soon enough, and your services will no longer be required. For life. Then, you will have to find new ways to bond.

When he tells you about homework on Sunday night. This is an opportunity to do two things – do it yourself, and save him from someone’s wrath (temporarily), or allow him to face consequence ONCE, and learn really quick how to plan and be responsible. Choose wisely.

When your partner agrees to something you’ve said NO to. Showing a united front brings unity and stability to the family. Punch him later, in private. If you like. But, calling out your partner in front of your child, sets you up for a lifetime of your child playing on your differences for personal gain; plus a fragmentation of the family. And a poor role model of parenting and marriage that is bound to be replicated.

When you are unhappy with her body. Deal with yours first. This isn’t about her; it’s about you. Do not mention exercise, dieting, food choices, or friends. All of this is crippling for a young child who is still figuring out life with an immature brain.

Read up. See a counsellor. Find healing.

This column was first published in the Bangalore Mirror in July 2016