Parentry. (n) a craft that needs practice, involves raising a child, and usually comes with a partner that you can talk to. Now, for heavens, talk to each other.

I’m at this dinner table laden with food. There’s a hearty vegetarian spread, some non-vegetarian, some spicy, some bland, Indian and Western – the hostess has thought of everything.  A 16-year-old sits with her parents across the table from me, scowling. There is nothing she would like to eat. Her mum suggests she go to the kitchen and ask for some fried rice; her Dad insists she find something from the table. He’s dead serious; the mum grins, making light of things. I try to appear distracted with the dog under the table, waiting for the uncomfortable moment to pass. Finally, the Dad leaves the table, and the girl gets her fried rice.

Implications of reinforcing stubborn/fussy behaviour (handing the girl what she insists on behind Dad’s back)? Next column. Today, I worry about the fact that Dad and Mum aren’t on the same page (that’s a family waiting to explode). And then, the girl stands to lose more than just lunch.

What happened to partnership? I know that single parents are yelling out ‘Oh God’ most of the time – so that’s sorted, there’s a partnership there. Two-parent homes? I hear marriages are stretched at two points – toddler-time and adolescence. Times when Mum and Dad need to stand together, and draw strength from each other, but are usually pulled apart. Why?

Strip it down. It’s just ego. Parenting is usually a throwback to our own childhood. Mum and Dad have had different experiences and will either right the wrongs of their past, or parent on autopilot, without any thought.

It takes a 10-day learning module to drive a car, a few months’ probation to get a proper license. Learning to swim takes a minimum of three weeks. Top that up with more classes if you want to be good at it. These skills are not really crucial to daily “life” and yet we take out time and money to acquire them. Seeking help with parenting seems to come with shame/sense of failure. Why?

Mums and Dads, get your game face on. Listen, talk, discuss, argue, listen some more. Since we know the time is coming, why don’t we prep for it? Somehow we’re prepped for everything else, except the main tasks in life – and NO, we don’t do them by default anymore. We need help; let’s agree.

Sure it’s easier said than done. But, I know people who have succeeded, and that gives me much enthusiasm. Two opinions on one situation? Talk through it. I have found great virtue in ‘listening to understand’; very different from my default mode – listening-while-forming-response. It feels kinda humbling in the beginning, but there really is so much to learn from another person, IF you want to. And this ‘other person’ can be anyone. Starting with your life partner is a good idea, since you have the same game plan. Okay, somewhat. While that’s happening, kids will watch you sort out stuff by talking and listening; skills they’ll learn too.

Discuss the things that bother you about your partner’s parenting. How you hate it when Dad comes home and gives in to the stuff you have said ‘NO’ to, for example. Sorry guys, mum-skewed example. I’ll just ask my husband for another.

He says – “Micro-managing tasks I’m doing with kids, when I’m fully in control.” Ouch. That’s as real as it gets.

Discussion will probably throw up things like him getting a few minutes of unwind time between ‘work’ and ‘kids’ so he can make better choices. For me, not insisting on directing Daddy’s ‘parenting’ in front of the kids? Picking your battles, maybe?

No more words. I’m still stuck at ‘micromanagement’!

This column was first published in the Bangalore Mirror in May 2015