Thanks to the movie, I do. But what do you do when the one you’re entrusted with is just a boy?
Aggression: feelings of anger or antipathy resulting in hostile or violent behaviour. This is a cool word. I didn’t even have to research what I wanted to – the root of aggression – it’s already defined.
It’s the word that’s been on my mind for the whole of this New Year. It’s what I see all around me. It’s the awful face of our world that’s being revealed. This is stirred up in me, especially after mass assaults on women lately. This morning, I resolved to read up on the root, and here I find it – right in the definition. “Feelings of anger and antipathy” cause aggression.
I really want to write light and easy today; like something I learned while on holiday, something about the kids that made me laugh, a ‘parenting-lite’ version to start the year with. But as I watch my six-year-old wrestle with his sister, I don’t see playfighting anymore; I see stealthy moves to subdue. I see her valiant moves as false security, her giggles as weakness. And I’m angry; with her, with him… and everyone around.
But, I realise that my anger is different. It’s not the kind of anger that results in hostile or violent behaviour. Aggression.
I can make a distinction. I can define my anger – it has little to do with them, and more to do with the men who rain violence on women. Once, I would have judged – “Mothers don’t know how to train their sons!”. Yes, ‘train’. Today, I am that mother. And with my six-year-old, I sometimes REALLY don’t know how to “train”! I wish there was a movie for that one.
Researchers tell me that I need to give vocabulary, so that an angry child can vent verbally. I should also calm down myself, so I don’t create an anger fest at home without even realising. That my child should practice calming techniques (like taking a walk), and anger management – notice signs of anger rising (like the tightening of fists/hotness in the face) and then express the feeling appropriately.
All of these are helpful. Adults reading me, I bet you’re learning too. But what about even deeper stuff? Aggression stems from anger, and where does anger stem from? I’m reading lists of lists of anger triggers in children, and they’re surprising. You should too.
Counsellor Heather at thehelpfulcounsellor.com reminds us that anger is a secondary emotion. That means, it starts from another primary emotion that’s often unrecognised. Sample this – shame, sadness, and worry are three out of 11 emotions that anger can stem from. Cavernous.
What we’re seeing outbursts of are expressions of messed up kids – kids that have grown up, sadly. Hulks that can’t emote or empathise. And that comes as a relief to any parent navigating perilous parenting province. How?
If I am to go at the causes of various destructive/negative emotions they would be too many to handle. I would end up bubble-wrapping my child and sending him off to the North Pole, throwing up my hands as I gave up on the pet project. Some of the reasons that make children worry, for example, are as simple as a family member falling sick and, ‘uncertainty’. How do you protect them from uncertainty? You don’t.
So maybe the resolution is simple – showing love. Research says this changes a child’s brain. Like, actually. Positively. It builds self-esteem, empathy, trust, and relationships. Love covers all things.
This column was first published in the Bangalore Mirror in January 2017
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