Before you “lose it”, with your child, Check Yourself! Shouting serves only to intimidate, paralyse and get attention. Not very different from a roar in the animal kingdom.

I planned to write a mushy piece this week that had a valentine and John Mayer in it, but a discussion among mums – that have yelled at children only to later regret it – seemed so much more necessary to address. So here’s me, coming out.

I’d love to say ‘I don’t yell at my children’, but I sometimes do. It’s usually when I’m upset with them, and also sometimes when I’m upset with someone else. When I’m at my best, I can gauge the problem (unclear communication is often a strong reason) and address it calmly where everyone learns a lesson. The children could learn to, maybe, listen carefully; and I, to speak in a tone that’s easy, using words my audience can grasp. There’s learning everywhere, if you care.

Sometimes, sadly, my own impatience (and perhaps arrogance) takes over and I shout. At the time, I am fully aware that I shouldn’t be reacting with a show of vocal power (that’s interestingly not very different from that of an animal), but I do. In animals, the prime intention of a vocal outburst is to intimidate, paralyse and get attention. And yikes, my child gets to watch me do this live and loud… talk about TV with bite. How comical – in hindsight – and disturbing, because we are our children’s role models.

Am I being harsh? Good, that was my intention. So many times we’re told its okay and that we shouldn’t feel bad about it. In the discussion I referred to earlier, friends told each other it was ok; because “we’re allowed these outbursts”, “kids forget” and because “we’ve all done it” at some point. I disagree. Kids don’t forget, plus doing things that everyone else is doing doesn’t make it right.

Normalising yelling at children is not okay. Being accountable is. Look for the friend in your life who calls you out, and doesn’t care if her response ‘pleases’ you. No child wakes up determined to bug you all day. Every bit of “noise” has a root. Treat the problem, don’t shout at it. I’m doing it this very minute. And when I’ve found a solution and the painful part is behind me, I’ll write about it. Till then, we work at it. Back to yelling…

Yelling scares kids. They tackle it by ignoring you or smiling/laughing (humour is a response). Progressively, this hurting heart becomes hard and soon you won’t get a response until you yell. This is not news; some of us know this sequence. Hopefully, now you attend to it before he/she concludes that yelling is the way to handle things, though she hates it herself.

Parents, we can stop ourselves EVEN when we’re half-way through a yell. Nothing lost but a bit of pride. And in the larger scheme of things, that’s chicken feed. If anything, it’ll show your child that mummy/dad messes up too and is not afraid to admit it. It’ll show her that you can reconsider your decision to carry forward the shouting; and one day when she’s mad, this learning will give her the okay to hold back too.

Before you get into disciplining, check that you’re not hungry, tired or lonely. These are three sure-shots to “losing it”, and regretting it later. It’s also kinda selfish – “Oh I just needed to get that out. I feel better now”. Who’s thinking about the traumatized child? Hmmm. Once you are thinking clear, have breathed, counted to ten and whatever else you do to calm down, tackle the problem.

Look for the ‘call’ behind the words you hear, and the ‘need’ behind the behavior you hate.

This column was first published in the Bangalore Mirror in February 2014