And if you can’t, don’t do them in front of your child. Please?

It’s not the big stuff. You already know that. It’s the small stuff that you don’t even think about. The lil’ bits of attitude that seem to just slip out through your skin and mouth… usually, at the worst time. Maybe, it’s time to wake up and watch what you’re doing, because your child sure is watching.

1. Telling white lies. Let’s agree… once you make a start, even the most ethical amongst us, are soon unable to distinguish fact from farcical. You start thinking in a parallel universe, adjusting your responses (and stories) according to perceived reactions from people.  All birthed in your imagination and lived-out in real life. And guess who’s watching and keeping up with this analogous, ever-unfolding tale of intrigue and suspense? Your ever-loving, student-for-life. Your child.
   
   
2. Saying “I’m tired of you”. Mums, more than dads (just guessing), know this thought well. It kinda pops up once a day, or twelve. Voicing it, can throw our kids into anxiety. We are troopers to them; they don’t know how to handle a falling-apart-hero.  It’s a good idea to breathe, count to 50 and do all of that relaxation stuff. After all, you don’t tell them you love them every time you think it, do you? Of course not, because that usually happens when they’re asleep.
   
   
3. Eating kids’ leftovers. You don’t want to, plus you don’t have to. It’s a downward spiral to blame the kids for their wasting, your guilt and grumbling for all. Don’t let that tone of voice (and content) be the one that runs in their heads. Soon, it becomes their “inside voice”, one that they learn to rely on for overeating, nagging and all other things negative. Scary.
   
   
4. Treat your child as an adult. You might call her mini-me, but all you’re referring to is her smile or her eyes, right? Maybe, her pout and temper matches too. But really, the brain inside is only as old as the baby books say it is. Their brains are immature; they don’t get your subtle humour. They are trusting and believe. My little girl had nightmares about a school play because the teacher said that those who didn’t do “well” would be “thrown out”. The stage was about three feet higher than the door; a frighteningly-high distance if you’re three feet tall yourself!
   
   
5. Bitch about a relative. Chances are, the relative will hear about it at the strangest time possible. A friend of mine recalls fearing (and hating) her uncle, based on her parent’s dramatic details of their own struggles with the person. Even after her parent’s made up with the uncle and everything was happy and resolved, she could not establish a relationship because she had pseudo-experienced the entire pain and couldn’t get past it. It made her confused and irritated, especially with her parents who seemed fickle and less believable.
6. Bad-mouthing the other parent (ex or present). Kids don’t need to go through temporal anger, frustration, hurt and pain that you go through. Childhood is a time of intense emotion where children are learning life skills – they don’t know how to cope yet. And certainly, don’t deserve adult portions of sentiment when they haven’t the tools to handle it.
   
   
7.  Use words you don’t want them to use. I was very, very upset recently and used a word that’s not welcome in our house. My tweenager was shocked into silence, and, just now, as she casually walked past the computer and read my writing, she reminded me of it and said, “Mum, you should add a seventh point – Don’t use the word ‘crap’ if it’s banned in your house.”

This column was first published in the Bangalore Mirror in June 2014